Fourth Time Lucky

Not third time lucky this season, rather fourth.

Yes, RIDER and THE FELLA have finally managed to complete. Not that you would have thought that they were going to after the course walk. RIDER was apprehensive abut THE FELLA making it. I suspected that THE FELLA would have no problems, instead it was RIDER who was scared. Still, there were no bogey fences to be afraid of, just some awkward lines.

She managed to come out of the dressage smiling, only for it to slowly fade as we got ready for the show-jumping. Again she came out of the ring smiling, even if they did roll a pole. I blame flimsy safety cups.

Once again the smile faded as she prepared for the XC. Things weren't helped by the blood wagon being used to re-inflate a squashed rider. No sooner had the riders restarted than "loose horse" was called over the tannoy.

"Yours?", I asked an older man walking the course as his shoulders sagged at the announcement.

"Yes", he replied, rather more cheerfully than I would have credited. Still, his daughter was fine, only her ego bruised. A rather nice chestnut soon came into view, made as if to stop at his owner, only to jink sideways at the last moment and set off with renewed vigour in the direction of the horseboxes. It looked as though it was finally going to be brought to a halt as they strung a rope across the finish. Alas, it was not to be, as the riderless horse basculed neatly over the rope and continued it's merry way.

Maybe that's why the guy was smiling. His daughter might not have got round, but at least he isn't wasting all that money on food, bedding, tack, lessons, shoeing, vets and all the other 1001 ways a horse finds to empty your wallet in vain on a donkey.

Soon though it was time for RIDER to start. She was away over the first three before disappearing out of sight. I relied on the commentary to gauge her progress. I was surprised to find myself shaking as much as she had been before the event. Three minutes or so later she came back into view. For God's sake don't point him at the higher level fences or he'll jump them and you'll be eliminated for an error of course.

Fortunately many fences here were shared, including the last, and she managed to steer him over all the right ones.

Hoon

RIDER wanted to teach THE FELLA about steps.

This is where THE MONSTER comes in.

She might not conform to the tall skinny or handy but big hearted pony eventing stock stereotype, but she'll have a go*.

The idea is that by planting the buxom blonde in a baby doll nightie that is THE MONSTER on top of a set of steps something will stir in what remains of THE FELLAS gelded loins and he'll be up there like a shot. Actually it's his paranoia at leaving the group that we are counting on. Well, it worked for his (or was it THE RIDERS?) phobia about coffins last year.

So not having done any proper jumping for several months it was my turn to get suited and booted in back protector, long leather boots, and breeches. (Relax girls, I'm married). The scene is spoilt by the weight I've gained since last I wore my boots, used as I am to hooning around in jeans and chaps. After five minutes I couldn't feel my left leg from the knee down and was sweating with pain. Fortunately THE RIDER was able to wrestle them off before I fainted.

So far, so not looking forward to this. I know my limits, and unaffiliated intro level is well above them. In theory it should be difficult to fall off THE MONSTER. Her back is wider than the Giants Table at Badminton and you could set silver service dinner places for four on her arse, but she has a wicked stop on her. Combined with a knack of dropping a shoulder she's able to dump me on the floor pretty much at will. Looking down with a surprised expression as if to ask how I got from up there to down here does not fool me.

I needn't have worried.

The little floozy was only too keen to follow a nice bit of tail. I got blisters from holding her back and trying to take the jumps alongside him.

Without the pressure of competition, the problem of route finding (I'm worse than Bettina Hoy), or crowds of onlookers to humiliate myself in front of we had a great time. MONSTER followed THE FELLA over everything. We went down drop-offs and back up steps, We were in and out of the water more times than a thirsty duck. Forty minutes flew by, and we never fell off once. That in itself is some kind of record.

More importantly RIDER and THE FELLA overcame their steps problem, so maybe Sunday they'll get round. Unfortunately THE FELLA managed to lose another shoe which has to be replaced before then.

THE MONSTER showed her appreciation of the fun we had by rubbing her great big sweaty nose all over me when we got back to the wagon. I'm looking forward to doing this again.

Soon

* This is actually a little white lie.Last time THE MONSTER went to this venue for a hunter trials she refused to leave the start box, never mind entertain fence one. The only time she put in any effort was to help chase and catch a loose horse.

Brakes, but no go

THE RIDER spent lots of money the other day on yet another new bit for THE FELLA. I'm sure that she is single-handedly responsible for the global shortage in steel.

Anyway, it came on a ten day money-back trial.

I knew that it wasn't going back as she approached fence four in the show-jumping and MANAGED TO SLOW HIM DOWN.

This is a major breakthrough. Not so much braking that he stops dead and refuses to go forward, but enough that he can be pulled back then ridden off the leg.

RIDER and THE FELLA were late down to their dressage last weekend despite me telling the stewards that she was ready and there was no-one in the ring. There was no break scheduled for the judge for another five riders either. But offical was far more interested in gossiping with her friends. By the time RIDER got to her ring, the one at the very far end of the line, naturally, the first thing the judge did was call her over and tell her off for her time-keeping. As THE FELLA walked away he managed to step on his own feet (makes a change from mine), and pull off a shoe. Despite being flustered by her unwarranted telling-off RIDER then managed to coax THE FELLA into his best ever dressage test, even with an error of course.

Ten pounds lighter we had the shoe nailed back on and whipped out his studs to reduce the risk of pulling any more. The going was good enough not to worry about grip.

To quote the commentators 'a very nice clear' in the show-jumping was making this look like a good day. Especially as he got round the XC here last year. Were we going to get our first finish of the year?

Sadly, no. A great start was no indicator of things to come. The rain now falling was a more accurate portent. Once again it was steps that were his downfall. RIDER admitted afterwards that she didn't drive him at them hard enough. It's easy for me to stand on the ground and point out where she's going wrong - from 8 foot up things look a little different - and not easier.

We have one week to get him ready for his next outing. We have a plan.

Vested Interest

I see (Eventing, June 2005) that Clayton Fredericks has had 400 response to an online survey which queried the FEI scoring system. 99% of respondents preferred the BE system, which gives greater weight to the XC.

Under current FEI scoring dressage scores are multiplies by 1.5, which gives a greater spread of marks, but also gives an advantage to Dressage Queens over cross country riders.

Andrew Hoy, president of the Event Riders Association, has come out against the proposed changes. However his reason seems at first to support the changes.

"I believe that if someone has done a test which is good enough to leave them six marks ahead going into the cross-country, they deserve to be there."

Absolutely right Andrew. Except under current FEI rules if someone has done a test which is six marks better than another rider they are currently nine points ahead going into the cross-country. They certainly don't deserve that.

I personally suspect that Andrew has a vested interest in the current FEI rules, after all Bettina usually relies on her dressage score rather than her sense of direction across country to achieve her results.

Mixing It

THE FELLA enjoyed himself mid-week.

His exuberance in the dressage resulted in his best score yet.

Showjumping was, ahem, exhilerating. I was trying to take photos but the sod was running so fast and low that all my shots are badly mistimed. There is a nice shot of a falling upright frozen in mid-air. Amazingly it was the only one he took out. My initial fears were for a cricket score.

The effect of the new brakes across country has worn off. After a massive leap over the steeplechase brush and a barely controlled run over a triple he ran far too fast up to the bank only to stop dead at the last minute, throwing RIDER clear.

RIDER can feel a little less embarrased as one of the Olympic long listed riders stopped at exactly the same fence - although she did remain seated. Unfortunately being helped back on to THE FELLA by someone that looked very like an Olympic Sliver medallist did not help.

Badminton and Burns

Unable to attend Badminton this weekend makes one appreciate the BBC.

Our appetites had been whetted in the first place by the virtual cross country course.

Then on Saturday they showed the cross country live on BBC interactive. The last five in the show jumping were then also shown live on Sunday, after more XC highlights.

Best of all the virtual XC course, and the cross country and show-jumping rounds of Pippa Funnell and William Fox-Pitt are both available to watch on the BBC website by following the links from this page. You can relive Primmores Pride's heartstopping flying change just before Fence 7 all over again.

Long live public service broadcasting.

I was then pleasantly surprised on Monday night when I picked up a copy of The Times. Sportswriter of the year, Simon Barnes, had written a fantastic piece about the event. He either hasn't spotted or deliberately omits to mention that the cheers as Pippa crossed the line are noticeably higher pitched than the crowd at, say, a football match. Not only is The Worlds Most Dangerous Sport^TM currently headed by women, it manages to attract a large female following. I predict a larger influx of money into the sport when the advertisers realise this.

Until then there are only a few, non-British, riders who really have commercialised the sport and sold themselves as a brand. And while it remains untainted by large financial injections and sponsor demands* we remain a remarkably privileged bunch.

Watching the INTERNATIONAL EVENT RIDER who caught THE FELLA a couple of weeks ago riding round Badminton reminded me how lucky we are that we can watch the Olympic Champion on TV tackling Badminton one week, then next week be up against him in a Novice class. You can't play football with David Beckham at the weekend in your local league - despite what the Nike advert would have you believe. You can't play tennis against Tim Henman. You can't join a scrum with Johnny Wilkinson.

That we 'mere mortals' can compete with the greats, at the same level, is a privilege.

Long may it continue.

And the burns? That's the raw skin on my fingers where my reins ran through my hands the other night as I exited by the side door while out riding THE MONSTER.

*Don't even start me on the damage inflicted by the FEI in order to satisfy the corrupt body that is the IOC.