Not Olympia

1. SHOWGROUND - MEDIUM VIEW

Horseboxes driving into showground. In the background horses are being readied for their classes.

VOICE OVER

And now, show jumping from Inchfield International Arena

Music: 'Rumours' by Fleetwood Mac.

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2. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER - belt being done up round waist

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3. CLOSE SHOT - HORSE - travel boots coming off

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4. CLOSE SHOT - ARENA - fence cups being placed on fence support

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5. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER -white tie being done up

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6. CLOSE SHOT - HORSE - travel rug comes off, revealing saddle in place underneath

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7. CLOSE SHOT - ARENA - pole placed in jump cups

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8. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER - boots being pulled on

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9. CLOSE SHOT - HORSE - noseband being tightened

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10. CLOSE SHOT - ARENA - planks going up

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11. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER - from behind, jacket going on

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12. CLOSE SHOT - HORSE - jumping boots being tightened

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13. CLOSE SHOT - ARENA - hand places number board for fence into ground

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14. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER - hat strap being done up

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15. CLOSE SHOT - HORSE - girth being tightened

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16. CLOSE SHOT - ARENA - start gates being set up

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17. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER

GROOMs feet, booted up, walking out down steps of wagon. Camera tracks with feet in CLOSE UP to feet of horse. Camera PULLS OUT to frame horse and RIDER. RIDER mounts up onto horse, and they set off towards the ARENA.

19. INT. ARENA - DAY

The arena is brightly lit, and spacious.

COMMENTATOR (V.O.)

And now, into the ring it's number 9, UNPAID EVENT GROOM riding his own MONSTER.

MONSTER and GROOM trot to the far end of the arena. We hear the starting bell. GROOM trots MONSTER round in a final circle before kicking her into canter and heading to FENCE ONE, a red and yellow oxer. They make it, and head left to the top of the ARENA before turning sharp left to the black and white upright. Again they clear. THE CROWD is silent now. GROOM takes her straight across the ARENA heading for the double at FENCE THREE. -- CLOSE VIEW ON reins as he keeps her straight and makes the double. -- MEDIUM VIEW as GROOM pulls her back into trot as he takes her round the bottom of the ARENA. Lining her up for the oxer at FENCE FOUR with four strides to FENCE FIVE he asks her for canter and they clear them. Without slowing GROOM reaches up and pats her neck as she snorts happily.

GROOM (quietly)

Good girl, good girl.

Over the planks at FENCE SIX they leap, still clear. FENCE SEVEN has an awkward approach so GROOM brings her down to trot. The camera follows as he rides her up into the corner, turns her onto her line and asks for canter. MONSTER canters towards the double at FENCE SEVEN.

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20. CLOSE SHOT - RIDER POV

MONSTER gets within a stride of the fence.

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21. MEDIUM SHOT - SIDE VIEW

MONSTER stops.GROOM shoots forward and out of the side door, executing a roll and turn in the air to land on his back in front of MONSTER. He still has hold of the reins. MONSTER looks down at GROOM -- "what are you doing down there?" --

GROOM gets to his feet and dusts himself off --

FADE OUT as first aid runs into scene...

Who's Her Daddy?

MONSTER went out showjumping at the weekend. This is the first time in a year she's been out. RIDER got the glory of course.

I was visiting friends in Yorkshire Sunday morning so it was left to RIDER to suit and boot her and throw her on the wagon. I drove back from friends and met RIDER at the venue. MONSTER was pleased to see me.

RIDER signed her name for the 75cm class and while she got ready I climbed in back of the wagon and tacked MONSTER up. She was a cutie in the collecting ring, butI think she's forgotten what she's supposed to do. About two strides out from the warm up fences she would stoop, almost as if to peer for a ground line. This left her heavily on the forehand just as she should be getting her back legs under her.

In the arena she gave RIDER a good round. The traverse in canter around fence 3 would have been impressive if it was a deliberate dressage movement instead of naughtiness.

By the time the 85cm round came along she was enjoying herself. She had two untidy knock downs but the idea had finally got back into her thick skull that jumping can be fun.

Once back at stables I untacked her and was stood in her stable talking to friends while she rubbed her head on me. Tack itches so much. Then it went quiet. I turned round to see the fat lass start rolling belly up behind me. Being in her stable while all her legs are in the air is not the safest place to be.

Monday morning RIDER put her on the lunge. I walked up to the paddocks with THE TWO DOGS just as the session started. A winter of fat rippled on MONSTER shoulders as she demonstrated her floaty trot. She responded to voice commads. She did some 2 beat canter. I know, I know. Canter SHOULD be a 3 beat pace. Can comeone please inform MONSTER. She came back into trot on demand.

Then I left.

MONSTER bucked, farted and proceeded to gallop round in circles for 30 minutes ignoring all RIDERs commands.

This fat tart knows how to put on a show for her daddy, and take the mick out of everyone else.