Start the week

MONSTER got new toes on Saturday, and I took her out for a hack this morning.

NAUGHT PONY set off in front of us at canter and I held MONSTER back to give us room. It was like sitting on top of a cartoon as she cantered on the spot until I released the brakes, she dropped her head, and we set off as fast as her little cob legs would carry her.

While other people are miserably sat in traffic on their way to work we were having fun hooning around. If there's a better way to start the week I'd like to know what it is.

By our Wartime Corespondent

RIDER got a new video camera for Xmas. This is so that GROOM can stand like a numpty on the sidelines while RIDER takes her dressage test (which will force her to learn them instead of relying on a caller.), goes showjumping, or hoons across country.

Self-same video camera may have already paid for itself.

RIDER was taking part in a Jumping And Style competition at the weekend. Think show jumping in your cross country colours while a dressage judge marks you for style.
THE FELLA has had a lesson the day before and is pretending to be tired. He travels like a lamb. He comes off the wagon and behaves while he is suited and booted.

THE FELLA starts to throw his toys out of the cot during warm-up. RIDER is trying new bits in an effort to get some brakes. This new bit is very unpopular. Not so much Happy Mouth and Unhappy mouth. THE FELLA is too busy gaping and crossing his jaw to make a jumping effort. Still, he knocks nothing down in the warm up.

Turns out he has saved his biggest toys until he gets into the arena. A refusal at Fence 1 is not going to endear him to RIDER. He manages the show jumping phase with only one more knock-down. RIDER then starts timed XC phase. THE FELLA goes beautifully until he decides that instead of jumping over the arrowhead he'd rather leap into the safety of the photographers arms, like Scooby Doo into the arms of Shaggy.

RIDER's mood on exiting the arena can best be described as black. THE FELLA doesn't help himself when he stands on her toes.

Once she calms down RIDER is content to write off the day and make excuses for him - he's tired, he's unhappy in his bit. He's a knob is my considered opinion, but you have to love that stupid look.

The next class comes along and it is here that I take a video that will either earn £250 on "You've Been Framed", or will stand me in good stead should I apply to be a wartime correspondent for the BBC.

THE FELLA clattered his way through the show-jumping making no attempt to pick up his feet. Despite this he is snorting away pleased with himself and RIDER is smiling. Then they start the XC phase. So far so good as they approach the triple with coffin. THE FELLA comes over part A lands and apparently hits an invisible rubber wall. He does not just stop, he lands and springs backwards, catapulting RIDER over his head to land on her new body protector and hit her head on the ground.

Does the video camera drop to the floor in concern. No, it keeps on rolling. Not even a flinch. Once she has satisfied officials that she is not suffering concussion RIDER remounts and THE FELLA refuses to entertain the fence at all.

Despite an ignominious dumping RIDERS mood is better than round 1, and there is plenty of friendly banter from other riders in the lorry park. We load up THE FELLA and come home. Subsequent analysis shows that THE FELLA appears to make up his mind about part B while still in the air over Part A. RIDER is still completing her landing while he is dropping his shoulder and springing back and sideways.

It had it's moments, and was a fun day out.

OCB

Yesterday I was On Company Business.

I had to be up and on the road at 5 a.m. No earlier than when I'm taking RIDER and THE FELLA to an event maybe. But instead of getting up at 4 a.m. and blearily shovelling three barrow loads of shit from the stables, calming RIDERs panic, etc I was heading down the motorway leaving RIDER to do everything before she too set off for work. Work may pay for MONSTER, THE PONY, and THE FELLA, but when it takes me away I question why. And it increases the burden on RIDER.

By sunrise I was in Portman country. I can't help looking out of the car windows whenever I have to come down here thinking how MONSTER would just love to tear over these hills and vales. Look closely and even the wire has proper jumps.

Too bad that even my early morning rides with THE TWO DOGS will soon as likely be illegal. THE TWO DOGS can't help chasing, even if they are too slow to catch and haven't bothered to read their Observers Guide to the Small Wild Mammals of Britain and learn what will and won't be legal to even sniff out.

An early finish to the day at least meant I was back to do the evening chores. And I think MONSTER was pleased to see me. Or was it her evening feed I was carrying?

There is no sound in the world like a happily snorting horse.

Here's to better weather this weekend, and a bit of hooning round like we mean it.

Fun And Games

I've been having fun and games with Wedding Hat lately.

A bit of background.

The yard has four stable blocks. Normally the first person down to the yard works their way round all the stable blocks feeding all the horses, then gets on with turning out their horse, and getting on with their jobs.

Not Wedding Hat. I share the main american barn with Wedding Hat.

When Wedding Hat arrives first thing in the morning her routine goes like this:

1. Throw horse #1 out into turnout paddock one.


2. Fetch BIG WHEELBARROW to barn. There is only one BIG WHEELBARROW on the yard. BIG WHEELBARROW halves the number of trips you need to the muck heap. It's sought out by all; as far as Wedding Hat is concerned first thing in the morning IT'S HERS. Never mind that once she has it it sits unused outside her stable for ten-fifteen minutes while she fills haynets. She got their FIRST.


3. Throw horse #2 out into turnout paddock two.


4. Start to feed the horses in the american barn that have been kicking off waiting for their breakfast while she was scuttling round looking after herself.


5. Completely ignore the other three stable blocks - someone else will be down and can do those. If Wedding Hat could get away without feeding any other horses at all she would.

This routine is calculated to ensure that Wedding Hat gets both turnout paddocks and the only BIG WHEELBARROW. Wedding Hat is so selfish that she won't even turn on the lights when she needs to fill her haynets, because that would take her into another stable block, she'd wake up those horses and have to feed them. Even on these dark early mornings she'd rather fill her nets in the dark than do anyone else a favour. It's comical to watch.

Now, if you happen to turn up at about the same time you can fluster Wedding Hat as you put at risk the turnout paddocks or BIG WHEELBARROW. But that relies on timing. You can't always guarantee to get down at the right time to unsettle her.

One morning I saw how to have fun with Wedding Hat. Her scuttle - like a hungry chicken all waggling tailfeathers and hustle and bustle - as she raced to be first to BIG WHEELBARROW was hilarious. Her feigned insouciance didn't fool me. I knew at once how to get her.

The BIG WHEELBARROW is usually left just outside the barn. So last thing at night I started leaving it by one of the other stable blocks. She could still find it, but I was adding a 40 yard walk to her routine every day. She could save this by picking up BIG WHEELBARROW on her way back from turning out horse #2, but someone else might get there first. This is a risk she can't take. As she's slightly overweight anyway I figure I'm doing her a favour.

Then I started throwing some variety into the routine. I left BIG WHEELBARROW in it's usual place, but left it behind all the other, smaller barrows. Sure enough next morning all the small barrows have been cast aside in the quest to get BIG WHEELBARROW. So I have two ways of unsettling Wedding Hat.

Then I found a third way. I figured that if I left BIG WHEELBARROW in the main stableyard Wedding Hat would have two choices:

1. look for and find BIG WHEELBARROW and have to feed another three stable blocks,


2. use a small wheelbarrow.

I tried this and next day Wedding Hat was using a small barrow. Her face when I walked into the barn with BIG WHEELBARROW - having fed the other three blocks - would have turned me to stone. I deliberately left it unused outside my stable for ten minutes while I did some other jobs. Just to rub it in. I figure this last one would wear thin very quickly. It's only to be used occasionally interspersed with the other two methods.

It brightens every mornings to spoil Wedding Hat's daily routine.

Why?

UNPAID EVENT GROOM

Original script by Nick3216
Inspired by the events of last year
This draft by Nick3216
11 January 2005


1 BLACKNESS

Out of the blackness of space spots of light start to appear.

We are MOVING TOWARD planetary nebulae; MOVING through the stars; MOVING closer to the Earth.

We MOVE CLOSER to the earth; beautiful, covered in clouds, as though SEEN from a satellite. We are MOVING CLOSER to the earth; through the soft clouds, close enough that we can MAKE OUT the Northern Hemisphere; CLOSER to EUROPE; CLOSER, to the United Kingdom, then Yorkshire.

DETAILS start to appear. First we can SEE towns, roads, start to appear threading across the countryside, then as we CONTINUE ZOOMING we can SEE cars. Our VIEW KEEPS FALLING towards a field, seemingly packed full of lorries, CONTINUING TO HEAD DOWN we can SEE people, and horses milling around and we start to HEAR the tannoys.

The view CONTINUES TO ZOOM, but we PAN AWAY from the lorries towards a white roof and a single lone rider sat astride a 16.3 hand chestnut gelding.

THE CAMERA STARTS TO LEVEL OUT and the view STARTS HEADING ALONG THE GROUND, about 7 feet up directly towards the horse and rider. We continue TO GET CLOSER. The background noise fades from our hearing and the camera MOVES SLOWER AND SLOWER towards the horse and rider.

As we approach we being to HEAR a countdown 3, 2, 1 and as we hear the word GO our POINT OF VIEW becomes that of the horse.

Suddenly the camera startt to SPEED UP moving FASTER AND FASTER until IT FEELS like we are doing 60 MPH heading directly towards a wall. Loud ROCK MUSIC OVERWHELMS the SOUNDTRACK as climaxes as we leap over the wall and our view FADES TO BLACK...


2 TITLE SEQUENCE

U N P A I D   E V E N T   G R O O M

Starring:

THE FELLA
THE TWO DOGS
RIDER
GROOM
MONSTER
THE PONY

3 EXT. STABLES UNITED KINGDOM, EARLY MORNING

It is pitch black and earlier than a sparrows fart. Another day in the life of an unpaid event groom begins.